Emirates Airlines and Dubai Airport Etiquette

Seeing as i'm flying using my "no.1 favourite" airline quite soon, i thought i'd make a list of all the things I or anyone else could do when you have to go through your favourite airport and then waiting 14 hours in a seat. This list applies to people flying emirates either from dubai or to dubai.


1) Park your car in Dubai Airport, not noticing the exorbitant 15 dhs / hour charge.
2) Insist on wearing at least 15 different items with metal in them while going through the metal detector.
3) On seeing the 100+ person long que, push in and start going on about how your flight leaves in 20 minutes.
4) Bitch and moan at the check-in person who is just doing their job about the 10 minutes it's taking to check in
5) Complain about how you’re not allowed to take 300 kilograms of crap when you’re ticket clearly states otherwise
6) Begin swearing at check-in staff, after which you are kindly escorted by Dubai Police out of the airport.
7) Use the golf buggy shuttle service because you are too fat and stupid to walk, ignoring the fact that sub continental people with no legs are made to walk. (yes I actually witnessed a sub continental man with NO legs walking with stilts (they were just 2 by 4 wooden blocks) and fat locals getting driven past in buggys)
8) Purchase as much alcohol as possible not noticing the 50% price markup in all your wisdom
9) Purchase 300 packs of cigarettes, 50 separate brands of chocolate, bottles of Pepsi, 30 magazines, a stereo, a digital camera, an encyclopedia, 12 bottles of perfume, just so that you can have 300 duty free bags to barge through the fucking aero plane with.
10) Insist on taking the elevator located right next to the stairs because you’re a lazy bastard.
11) Use the internet from the business lounges that spreads out into the public areas.
12) Consume copious amounts of alcohol in the Irish Village
13) Stumble into the check-in lounge while failing to notice you’ve turned up 3 minutes before the flight takes off. You are an idiot.
14) Argue with check-in staff
15) Try and ass-kiss check-in staff so you can get a first class seat
16) Brag about how you are whichever sheiks best friends, uncles, bicycle salesman, dog walkers, next door neighbor, and how you require a first class seat; of course ignoring the fact, that if you actually had any wasta, you’d be in first class already.
17) Try and chat up all the girls (or boys) in the check-in lounge while inconspicuously flashing your first class ticket, polishing your 3000 dirham mobile phone, and dropping bundles of 500 dirham notes on the floor.
18) Try and chat-up the flight attendant directing you to your seat
19) Once again claim how you are a friend of a whatever sheikh and how you demand to be in a first class seat, threatening that if you’re request is not fulfilled certain people will be deported.
19) Insist on taking 3 different newspapers while entering the aero plane, neglecting the fact that not one of them can be read properly without deforming the pages in some manner or inconveniencing the person seated next to you.
20) Squash as many items as possible into the over head space regardless of how it damages other people’s property
21) Sit down and notice how there are suspicious stains located on your seat, you’re little controller thing for the fancy screen has been damaged by a two year old chewing through its cable like a fucking Jack Russell Terrier
22) Measure in millimeters the distance between your seat and the seat in front of you.
23) Measure in Pico meters the distance between the person seated in front of you and yourself once they have pushed their backrest to a 45 degree angle like an office chair.
24) Begin blabbering to your non-existent girlfriend on your mobile until a flight attendant bitches at you about how the plane will crash because you are a tool.
25) Measure how many times it takes to press the flight attendant button and be ignored
26) Measure in leap years how long it takes for your coca cola to arrive.
27) See if you can ass kiss the flight-attendant enough to get a free glass or more optimistically a bottle of Dom Perignon Moet & Chandon vintage 1996
28) Complain about how your headphones do not work
29) Wait 50 minutes in line for the only working bathroom to find the last person who threw up from air sickness was too lazy to flush the toilet.
30) During your bathroom visit, have a flight attendant start banging on the door accusing you of smoking. Fuck off, the next time someone interrupts me while I am urinating they shall lose teeth, and I’ll slap them so hard that they can’t feel their face for 3 weeks.
31) Spend 30 years with your honorary degree in philosophy studying how to figure out WHAT FUCKING MOVIES ARE GOING TO BE SHOWN, this is the point you realize that studying for 7 weeks on end in high school to achieve 7 A-stars and then studying for 33 weeks to achieve a distinction in university really won’t help you survive in the real world.
34) Out of 300 seats, your seat is the only one with a busted screen.
35) After 7 hours, you discover new meaning to the term “back pain”
36) The meal of a nice beef steak that you want has of course run out, so you have to have the shitty lamb dish instead.
37) You finish your meal in 10 minutes, and then wait another 50 minutes for your plate to be collected.
38) Decide to crank your headphones to the crappiest tune possible and allow everyone else to hear how the standards of music have diminished.
39) Open your window as it is night, and it looks nice and dramatic.
40) Have a flight attendant come and close the window for no particular reason without asking you or anything.
41) Open the window again.
42) Have it closed again.
43) Open it again.
44) Punch the flight attendant that reaches over to close it, they did after all deserve it. THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT FOR FUCKS SAKE.
45) Drink a further 40 cans of beer in addition to the already ridiculous amount you consumed in the Irish Village, and then vomit on the important persons foot which is situated behind you.
46) Begin an argument with your wife, it is of course, an ideal time, being 4:45 AM, everyone is wide awake and enthusiastic about hearing how bad the sex was last night.
47) Enjoy watching the expat woman with 3 housemaids try and look after her own kids for a change, it gets better when she starts bitch slapping the little 4 year old fuckers for not going to sleep. Of course the real fun starts when people start baggin the woman for beating up her kids, then her deadbeat husband returns and tries to actually defend his wife, for he is a tool.
48) Ask a flight attendant for a cookie, only to discover emirates does not stock cookies, but stocks unpalatable lamb dishes that no-one seems to like on top of the concrete 2 gram chocolate bricks that you get with your meal.
49) Enjoy the fact that the plastic knife that is supposed to prevent terrorism that emirates supplied with your meal is in fact much more sharper and durable than the metal ones. irony?
50) Begin singing along to the shitty tunes that are provided on EVERY SINGLE radio station that Emirates Airlines chooses.
51) Deposit as much ear wax as possible on your set of complimentary headphones for the next user to enjoy.
52) During your stop over at the Kabul airport watch with entertainment as the police try and fail miserably in stopping people from walking around the security check-in.
53) Count how many beverages the air hostesses will provide before you start seeing saliva sediment floating on the top.
54) Begin a religious discussion highlighting the inhumane treatment of Palestinians by Israeli’s, because after all, everyone enjoys religious discussion while being cramped in a tiny Emirates Airline chair at 3:34 AM.
55) You along with the rest of your African Musical Jamboree decide that 3 AM is the perfect time to have a fucking jam session.
56) Give an evil look to the fucker seated behind you kicking the fucking chair every 29 seconds.
57) Decide that it’d be fun to use flash photography in a brightly lit aero plane, ignoring the fact that 299 other people are still sleeping.
58) Pull out your video camera and begin replaying little Billy’s 3rd birthday at full volume.
59) Insist on updating everyone within 20 metres of you the exact time in hours and minutes till the plane will arrive in Dubai thanks to the stupid fucking screen they provide that says "time to arrival : bla bla"
60) When there are 10 minutes to landing, you suddenly decide that now would be an ideal time to travel to the bathroom, begin bitching with flight attendants trying to stop your noble and fearless quest with 4 year old like whines about how desperate you are to relieve yourself.
61) Upon landing, do not wait for the plane to come to a stand still, instead take your 500 fucking duty free bags and barge your way through incompetent air hostesses.
62) Wait 13 hours in the passport control area, watching all the local people who can go through in an instant.
63) If you have ample breast size, push in front of the line and wink at the passport control officer, who winks back, once he has stamped your passport, and asks you for your mobile number, slap him, citing sexual harassment.
64) Notice how Emaar has managed to totally plaster the upstairs window thing where people would wave to their families with advertisements for another one of their stupid fucking creations
65) Begin a phone conversation with your loved one for the next 13 hours and keep them and everyone else around you updated with how much shorter the queue is getting in your line yet mine is staying the same, in fact it’s growing from all the spoilt ignorant impatient bastards that push in the front.
66) Wait 3 hours for your baggage to arrive and notice how it, despite being made from polymorphic metals engineered by 9 year olds with more certifications than ghandi to withstand a nuclear holocaust has somehow managed to get fucking bent in half.
67) Push your baggage through the x-ray machine, watch the facial expression on the person monitoring the x-ray screen as he sees the two foot long bone that is covered in delicious pork that has been hung in a cave for twelve years and now is delicious salty pork.
68) Tell him it is a bone that you confiscated of your housemaid for fornicating with the cook with a straight face and be allowed to proceed.
68) Go through the entrance and be offered a taxi by not one person, but three hundred and seventy two different taxi drivers waiting at Dubai airport.
70) Notice that you’ll have to go through this stupid fucking ordeal once again in 12 months.
71) Munch with relish the delicious ham and mustard sandwich you bought from Paddington Station while everyone else picks miserably at their halal meals. Submitted by secretdubai


to quote a friend on how Dubai Airport makes people feel;

Dear Dubai International Airport,

Can you possibly make your airport any bigger? People that get off long flights from hell putting their lives in the hands of anti-American hijackers armed with plastic knives and shoes love walking for miles before reaching a smelly bastard who takes it upon himself to decide whether or not you are permitted into a stupid country to which there is no doubt you would have never came if you didn't have to for one pathetic reason or the other. If you cannot afford a few more billion dirhams to expand the airport more for everyone's discomfort, then perhaps Dubai Int'l Airport should cut down on stupid expenditures like feeding homeless babies or making donations to improve the service of a multi-trillion monopolistic telephone company cum internet service provider that cant establish a voice connection over two tin cans and some string even if all 200,000 malodorous, underpaid, undereducated, underfed, misunderstanding technicians tried.

Image is everything here (who would i be without my BMW?) and staying on the topic of expanding for further discomfort, I'd like to make a suggestion, if I may: Reverse the moving walkways so that passengers have to walk twice as hard to move half the distance thus making your air travel portal seem larger, just like our BMW's make our penises seem larger. Also hire more people to walk in the opposite direction in all hallways- and don't forget to give those highly intelligent brain-free semi-humans who's sole purpose in life is to stand a foot too close to you in line and walk when the person in front of you walks regardless of whether you yourself, in between the semi-human and the creature in front of you moves or not.

For crying out loud get rid of the ventilation in the smoking boxes!! What, do you seriously expect that smokers breathe oxygen? Hell no! Pump fucking carbon monoxide into those stupid boxes please. We want to die as fast as possible in your airport. Furthermore on the subject of death, I feel my rights are being violated when (censored) bonehead behind the check in counter asks me if I packed my own belongings and if anyone put something in there without my knowledge. They are so smart, the system is ingenious! Who came up with it? What is their home address and telephone number I'd like to congratulate them by sending some flowers, some artificial chocolate coated pink strawberry flavored slime from the stupid duty-paid shop at the front, and a kilo of anthrax.

Lastly please make the bitch on the PA speak with a little less vocal amplitude, the reverberation and anarchic sound of chaos in the duty free extrapolates her voice to the nth degree. The level of clarity is almost telepathic. And can we make alcohol free so that more (censored) can attain a negative intellect quota by getting piss drunk, getting obnoxious and start hitting on my eight year old sister so that i can take the tommy-gun, which I did not pack, out of my shoes, which I didn't have to take off at the carcinogenic x-ray distribution center, and blow their fucking brains all over your clean carpeted walls thus giving you more excuse to make the place bigger (people are less likely to see the mess before your hoard of underpaid stupidly dressed laborers come on their beeping buggies to clean it up.)

Thanks,
An extremely satisfied frequent flyer.

~flurdoing

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